Tawd Ruppo emotionally abused me and violated by consent.

These songs were written to help me express the ways in which he has hurt me.

I am naming him to help me heal and protect potential victims.

The following is a short essay I wrote about my first emotionally and sexually abusive relationship, a lot of the sentiments still exist.


I am pissed off and I am scared. I am scared that I will never be able to function “properly” because this anger will not leave my body. I am pissed off that you raped me, I am pissed off at myself for letting you rape me and for letting every asshole who has ever made me feel uncomfortable get near me. I am pissed off because I feel like I can’t escape this pattern of always begin a victim because I am too scared to say no. I am pissed off because no one ever taught me that it’s okay to say no, that it’s okay to protect myself even if it means not being nice. I am pissed off that I don’t have control over what triggers memories of this feeling of being helpless and trapped. It makes me fear that I haven’t truly dealt with my feelings about being raped and being taken advantage of by strangers and that the lack of control I have over my feelings about what has happened in the past is indicative of not learning from those experiences. I’m scared that because of that it will happen again and again and again in small ways and big ones. I’m scared that I can’t truly give consent. I’m scared that I’ll never “get over it”. I’m scared that there was nothing to get over and that my feelings are irrational and wrong. I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to fall into the same cycle of complacency that has time and time again led to heaps of painful and angering shit happening to me. I want to be strong enough to tell all of the assholes that want to hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally, to fuck off and die. I want to learn that being mean is better than allowing myself to get raped and be made powerless. I am so angry and frustrated that I want to physically hurt all of the people who’ve hurt me with their words, looks, gestures, genitals, emotional manipulation, physical contact, physical violence, casual dismal of my feelings and experiences and any other method they’ve used to make me feel helpless, weak, violated, violent and angry. I hate feeling like I can’t say no and I can’t help but feel like this behavior is all my fault. I’m mad at how guilty I feel about not saying no to people with good intentions who probably don’t know how much they are hurting me. I’m mad at those people who’ve ignored, rationalized and explained away my protests of their behavior. I want to learn how to listen to myself. I want to kick and scream when I feel uncomfortable. I want to fuck up anyone who tries to take advantage of me because I’m tired of the other option (internalizing that anger and feeling guilty about not doing more to stop the person). I’m angry that it’s my responsibility to stop people from harassing me. I am pissed off and I am scared. I am scared that I will never be able to get rid of my anger and I am pissed off because I fear that this painful and hateful pattern will never end.